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| It describes me perfectly.... |
Today is a
rainy day outside, so a good time to get in a workout. It's going to be a different kind today.
Cleaning...physical and spiritual.
A week or so
ago, I told my husband that I feel "closed in" sometimes because of
stuff...and because of my own mind. You
see, sometimes clutter in your home makes clutter in your mind. I've always
been one to keep things that are "important". Or things that are from people I love. I mean what if something was to happen?
It got me to
thinking about WHY I do that. I mean, isn't that how hoarders are made? I am
NOT anywhere near being a hoarder like the show portrays...but even everyday
clutter and disorganization in the physical can cause the same in your mind and
heart. So WHY do I continue to do this and WHAT do I do to get rid of it?
When I was a
little girl, I lost everything in fire...on a couple of different occasions.
And then as an older child, we didn't have much and we moved around a lot for a
few years.
We didn't always have the money to get
"things", but I had what I needed and I had love. I am NOT saying
that life was terrible. I am NOT saying that I was unloved. Because neither of those are true. I WAS
loved. I DID have a good life, for the
most part. Sure, I was heartbroken
because my parents weren't together and because we were poor...but I WAS loved
by my family and friends. None of us have a perfect life. But God was using these memories to lead me
to my WHY.
But as I sat
thinking the other day, I realized that those moments in my childhood made a
lasting impact. No matter how loved I was, deep down it still impacted me. I was bullied by kids who had more than me.
They made me feel that I wasn't good enough. When we lost everything in a fire,
I remember those feelings. I remember my mama crying over a special photo. I
even remember the photo. It was of me with my face painted with a clown at the
circus. We lost lots of priceless photos. I really don't have many from my
childhood. (Maybe that's why God made me so passionate about photography and
gave me that gift of making precious memories for others!) I remember losing
everything that was a comfort to me in my child’s mind. Unlike children that
have that special blanket or stuffed animal from birth, I don’t have that. All
I have is some faded memories.
I remember
feeling restless from moving around all the time. I think it’s why I feel like
I’ve never fit in or like I belong anywhere. I calculated at least 13 times in
3 ½ years. 8 schools from Kindergarten through High School. No, I wasn’t a
military brat. I never felt comfortable enough to invite many friends over when
I was a child. At least in last few years of HS, it was back to where I started
and I had more family and friends. I was always getting bullied because of
where I lived or what I didn’t have. I was always shy, overweight, and kept my
feelings inside. I hid within myself.
Many times
our “stuff” was packed away in a car or at a family members house. Some things,
memories, that I have from those few years, that we moved constantly, were
destroyed by being packed inside of a family members storage and getting water
damaged. Memories that are unable to be restored. Except in my mind.
Not ALL of
my memories revolve around these times. I don’t want people to think that. I don’t want people to pity me or feel sorry
for me. This is just the journey that
God took me on, in my heart and mind, to show me some things. I have some
AWESOME memories from my childhood. I had some AMAZING times as child. Most of
them were. I WAS loved and we had fun most of the time! But those other
memories STILL impacted me as much, if not more, than the best ones.
It’s these
things that have impacted my life with the “clutter” around me, the
disorganization, and the clutter in my mind. As I sat and thought about WHY…I
realized it’s because I am trying to keep things around me in case something
happens. So that my memories are tangible as well. Meaning, I have “things” to
help me remember. I have “things” to touch. “Things” to show and share. “Things”
to pass down. “Things” to prove my life
and my worth or value to others.
My life can
probably be documented in photos…even if it’s just photos of those I love. I
take photos of everything. People fuss at me for taking photos of them at crazy
times. Doing crazy things or making crazy faces. But, I realize, it’s because I
want to cherish those memories. And it’s getting “real” moments of them in
tangible form. I realize that’s why my best photos are the “candid” ones.
Because I want people to have those memories. I want them to see the “real”
personality…not just the posed one that they want people to see. I have very
few of those tangible memories, the ones that I can touch…at least not until I
was older.
I keep all of
the important “things” (material things) stored inside my home, so the rain won’t
destroy them. When we finally was able to purchase our own home, it was crazy
at all of the stuff I had accumulated through the years. Yet, when I touched it…and
I did, literally, touch most every piece…I was taken back to the memories held
within that item. It was VERY difficult to let go of most of it. Granted, I still have quite a bit of material
things. But I was able to finally let go
of at least 1/3 to ½ of it. I decided to let some other little girls get the
pleasure of playing with my dolls….since I no longer receive them for
Christmas. Now, I see that maybe that is
why I cherished getting a doll for Christmas from my mama so much. It wasn’t
just because it was a tradition she started from birth….but because it was a
memory that couldn’t be ripped from me. It was a stability. It was a tangible
item that I could keep with me. Something I knew was there. Something that I
could count on in a world where things always seemed to be taken from me, in
one sense or another. My “peace and joy” in a world of chaos. Until that was no
longer there, either.
As an adult,
I have really only lived a few places.
Since I was 20, I’ve only lived about 4 places. (I will be 40 this year). Three of those were
getting established after being married. We moved when we got married and then
6 months later, we moved back to MY home state. Then 12 years later, we bought
our own home. That’s not bad at all. It’s stability.
Sadly,
though, I have filled our home with clutter. Once again, filling my life with
clutter and chaos. Along with my mind. Now, though, it’s time to let it go. To
finally set myself free. God set me free years ago…now it’s time to finally do
it myself. It’s time to stop holding my heart & mind hostage. To stop
letting the bad memories overtake the good ones. It’s time to stop cluttering
up my own life and getting anxious because I feel “closed in” by stuff, by
thoughts, and by my feelings.
It’s time to
finally gain control of my own mind. It’s time to let go of all the chaos of my
past and let God lead me to HIS peace. I can’t undo the bad things or memories that
has happened in my life…but I CAN and WILL let God use each and every one for
HIS good. For HIS glory! It is only by the Grace and Mercy of God that I am who
I am and I am where I am today. It’s not
MY strength…but by the STRENGTH of GOD that I have made it!
I have let
too much junk control me inside. Junk that I thought I had overcome, but God
finally made me realize that I had just hidden it well. And all it took was a room full of clean
clothes stacked on a chair, a desk full of papers and photos that need to be
hung or filed, and Pastor that says the same thing at the end of service that
you had told your husband over a week ago. It’s time to get organized. It’s
time to get rid of the clutter in my life. In my mind. Make next year the best year.
Sometimes,
God will allow us to go through all the junk in order for us to find the real
treasure. The REAL treasure is NOT
something that can be touched. Rather, it’s what is found in your heart. In
your soul. In your spirit.
It’s a
relationship with God that can NEVER be taken from you by fire, by moving, by
repossession, by stealing, etc. It’s a PEACE that surpasses all understanding.
It’s a JOY that is indescribable. It’s an UNCONDITONAL LOVE that remains no
matter if you mess up. No matter if you make a decision that God doesn’t agree
with. No matter if you mess up.
God’s love
is UNCONDITIONAL. He loves me in spite of me. He loves me in the good times and
the bad times. In the angry times. In the sad times. In the happy times. God is
there with me and for me…even if He doesn’t agree with me. He is there to hold
me, guide me, and lead…even when He probably wants to whoop my butt instead.
(Yea, I know…but He IS my Heavenly Daddy, so I am pretty sure He wants to get a
switch sometimes, lol). When others choose to NOT be there…it’s ok, GOD
is. He never forgets me. He ALWAYS loves
me. He always encourages me. He NEVER gives up on me.
God’s timing
is PERFECT…and I think that is why RIGHT NOW is when He chose to reveal all of
this to me. It’s a transformation season in my life. And right now, I have
become sort of stagnant on my journey. And this transformation journey has been
about my physical and spiritual well-being.
So what more perfect timing could
there be? The only way that I could
truly let there be a new creation is to let go of the old. That IS the verse
that God has placed in my heart and spirit for this transformation journey. So,
I could say it’s a perfect ending for this chapter…but I’d rather think of it
as a perfect beginning!
“Therefore,
if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new
is here!” – 2 Cor 5:17
Thank you,
Heavenly Daddy, for your perfect timing. I love you with all that I am and I
pray that I can be a light for YOU!
PS. An hour or so later, I guess the mental
workout, that I started, is complete.
LOL
