Renewed Purpose

Renew: give fresh life or strength to
Purpose: a person's sense of resolve or determination

During this journey, I have opened myself up…physically. Now it’s time to do it spiritually. With RENEWED PURPOSE (more on that toward the end).

This weekend we went to an awesome worship conference at MorningStar Ministries. Between the worship, the speakers, the prophecy booths, and the healing line…I should have been feeling much more than I did. It was then that I realized something. I didn’t feel much of anything, spiritually.

Now, before you start saying, “You’re a Christian, you are supposed to feel God all the time!” Believe me, I thought that myself. Yet, I wasn’t feeling things like I did a few months ago. Yes…I know God. Yes, it still “touched” me in my heart. But my spirit just wasn’t the same. I realized that is why I had been more depressed lately and more easily aggravated. Christians AREN’T perfect…we are just forgiven.  We ARE still human and we still have daily battles. Being a Christian just means we don’t have to do it alone. God is with us! Even if we don’t feel it.

Anyway, I had no clue why I had lost those feelings spiritually.  I only shared it with two people. My husband and my best friend. The ones, other than God, that I tell pretty much everything to. Feeling this way…NOT feeling…and finally realizing it…well it was scary. It hurt. I was upset. Even a little angry.  I mean, why me? What did I do or what didn’t I do that made me lose the feeling having the Spirit with me and feeling Him?

Some people may not understand what I am saying…and it’s ok. But others will totally understand. You can know God and be with God…but STILL not feel the Spirit with you like before. Kind of feeling numb inside at times. Unless you have felt it…you can’t ever know what NOT feeling it is like.

Well, it really got me to thinking about things. Wondering if it was something I did. Of course I had to search it out.  I found out that I am in pretty good company. There were many prophets and mighty men of God in the Bible who felt the same at some point in their lives.  David, Isaiah, Moses…so after realizing that, I didn’t feel quite as bad.  I was glad that I did some research.

Once I started questioning WHY…I started asking God to let me FEEL again. I realized that I hadn’t even been as emotional as I once was, spiritually. When I FEEL emotionally, I cry a lot. My daughter one time told me she hoped she wasn’t that emotional when she was my age.  LOL.

This morning before church, the media team met with the prayer team to have them pray with us and pray over us. It was then that God chose to pour out lots of FEELING on me. I definitely felt the Spirit of God all over me, all in me. As they were praying over me, it’s like a wall was broken down. I didn’t realize it was there until this past weekend. It was a wall that had been there for years until I finally got to know Holy Spirit, more, a few years ago. And somehow it had been built back.
Thankfully, just not as thick or tall as before. But no matter, God is bigger and stronger than any wall. God used some mighty prayer warriors to help me feel Holy Spirit in me again. It is MUCH more than a feeling…it’s a BEING.  Until you know it…I just can’t explain it.

As they were praying and I was crying (needed about 5 or 6 Kleenex) …I heard 2 words in my spirit. RENEWED PURPOSE. I knew it was God. Especially when I went and looked up the word definitions (just something I always like doing).  My friend, Patsy, was praying over me and kept praying for FRESH FIRE. New things.  That is what RENEWED means. Then Pastor spoke of the same thing today. Along with being a Warrior! Purpose means DETERMINATION. Warriors are very determined. And all weekend, people have told me that I am STRONG and BEAUTIFUL.

God has renewed me with a new determination…a new strength…a new fire. There is so much in store for now and the future. He is getting rid of the old hurts and healing them completely. He is opening me up for so much more!

Will I ever feel that way again? Possible. I’m human with human feelings and we easily get off track, get depressed, etc.  But no matter what…we MUST remember… For we walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7). Faith is NOT a feeling.  It’s something you do. It’s something you KNOW. It’s believing and trusting…even when you DON’T feel it. Yes, we want to FEEL God and Holy Spirit in us…but there are times we just need to KNOW, BELIEVE, TRUST…and let that be enough.

One thing I have learned…when you start asking to FEEL God…He may just let you.  It doesn’t happen to everyone like it did me. Sometimes, we will walk along and NOT feel it for a while. Just like the mighty ones in the Bible.a Just like some people may go through life never feeling that “NOT feeling the Spirit feeling”. Each person is different. I have definitely found that out. But no matter what…I will NEVER stop believing God. KNOWING who He is and what He is. I will never give up on Him because He has never given up on me!  If I was never able to FEEL again…I would still love God and follow HIM.